What a desperate state of mind I felt myself to be in, I clearly felt as if I had scraped to the bottom of the bowl. Did I have it in me to try again? Dare I even put myself back on to the torturous course of Russian roulette? The answer? There was only the next chance that would carry me towards what my heart desired, and without taking that chance; I was still in the same place as where I had originally started, ‘childless.’
It was time for round four, with still hope and renewed excitement; once again the world opens its doors to me. I found myself wondering what it would be like to be a mother and what is required to even uphold that title? I have never thought of myself as a gambler before but this was exactly how I felt about my life and body at this point.
This round of IVF we were to be using frozen embryos, we still had seven frozen. The preparations for the embryo transfer were very successful, my hormone and uterine lining were in an optimum state so to speak. So we found ourselves getting ready once more for the ever-eluding ride through IVF.
Transfer day came; here we were sitting in the clinic room ready to talk to the embryologist. The doctor had thought it best to implant two embryos this time and I was very happy to be doing this. We were very well informed that they both could work, and even more split into twins! We were prepared to take the risk. As the embryologist was telling us that we have five cell and six cell embryos to transfer, my heart immediately sank to my stomach, I had only thought that eight cell and up were of a great quality. With disappointment and without much enthusiasm I proceeded to the table.
The room where it all happened was so sterile and plain in design, I would of loved to have seen it looking a little more interesting and hopeful, maybe a few pictures of babies or pregnant woman on the walls! This would be a much more positive image to see right before a transfer. As our embryos were sent on their long destination towards possible life, I saw a luminous flash on the screen, like a little shooting star; amazed that we could even see an embryo! For in that moment this little miracle relayed hope back to my subconscious, “This is it! this could be our baby or babies.”